Welcome To The Ranks Of The Unemployed, Part II (Page 2)

2.) Start Early: The Early Bird Gets The Worm At The Bottom

Pictured: image courtesy of marriedtothesea.com
Above: if you were wondering when motherfucking booze time is, the answer is: "always."

Try to begin your regimen early in the day, bearing in mind that “early” is a relative term; you'll quickly find that your old 6AM is your new quarter after two in the afternoon. Regardless of what the clock says, many experts (i.e., me) recommend getting out of bed, regardless of the hour, after no more than 16-17 hours of sleep.

This may sound crazy at first. You will be tempted to get a solid 20-23 hours of sleep after a few weeks of the program, but you must resist the temptation. Too much sleep can lead to an excess of R.E.M sleep, providing your brain with an opportunity to cause you to dream about seeking out non-alcoholic stimulus -- even including a new job.

To start drinking as early as possible, I like to keep a few bottles of grain alcohol in my toilet's reserve tank. This also serves as an eye opener as I'm performing my morning ablutions, and makes me look better in the mirror. For those of you who aren't up for the taste of everclear in the morning, I'd suggest placing the contents of a box of mints in a handle of Vodka for a lubricated outlook on the day, and minty fresh breath for anyone who may happen to accidentally wander into your den of failure and shame.

Just rinse and swallow, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.

3.) Stick With It, Like The Rudy Of Booze

Pictured: a sign you're doing well
Above: this means you're on the right track. Keep at it, soldier!

When you waver in your endeavor -- and as you begin to notice pieces of what looks an awful lot like internal organs in your vomit, you will waver -- you must delve deep within yourself to find the means to continue. If possible, look to the past for inspiration, specifically a period of time in which you underwent a series of emotionally traumatic events, such as your whole life. Any time I feel like throwing in the towel, I remember the time my mother and I were double-booked, unbeknownst to either of us, for a sensual massage, or the time that I lost my job.

Lacking the appropriate background, I'd encourage you to look to the future for inspiration. The upcoming death of a loved one suffering from a terminal illness often provides the proper motivation. Seek out any family member, however distant, in dire straits, and milk the situation for all the booze-inspiring moments it's worth. In addition to providing the soon-to-be-deceased with some much-needed company, you'll be providing closer family members with an excuse to avoid the not-yet-departed and the ensuing hours of painful conversation that occur before their inevitable passage into the great beyond.

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