U.S. News
As the only country in the United States hemisphere, America receives a great deal of news coverage from The Enduring Vision. In fact, according to several Americans we interviewed, 100% of all news-worthy events happen in America -- or "Amurica", as some locals affectionately call it.
To read more about this interesting country, click any year below.
2010 (new stories appear first)
- Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High
- Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers
- BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero
- Man Stuck On Public Transit Without Book, Technology Forced To Stare Ahead Into Nothingness Like Other Plebeians
- Area Man's D.C. Bachelor Party Ends In Accidental Gay Marriage
- Man Discovers That His Best Talent Is Masturbating
- Area Man Masturbates Loudly To Convince Neighbors He's Always Getting Laid
2009 (listed alphabetically)
- $2,000 Beverage Refrigerator Stocked With Bud Light, Miller Genuine Draft
- America Celebrates Earth Day By Briefly Thinking 'Oh Yeah, It's Earth Day'
- Americans Outraged After Suddenly Realizing Interstate Highways Are Government-Run
- Americans Prepare For Annual September 11th Terrorist Attacks
- Area Man Considered 'Too Big To Fail' At Breaking Diet; Liposuction Bailout Expected
- Area Man Is Literally An Idiot
- Area Man Killed By Snuggie, The Blanket With Sleeves
- Area Man Realizes He Can Just Smoke Weed Instead
- Area Man Vigorously Defends Corporation That Doesn't Care About Him
- Area Man's Constant Complaining Finally Results In New Job, Cool House, Tons Of Money
- Black Man Caught Impersonating Respected White Professor
- California Proposes Legalizing Marijuana, Murder
- Community Lauds Local Muslim Family For Not Being Terrorists
- Country Finally Ruined
- Couple To Wed Despite Impending Nuclear Holocaust
- Financial Analysts: Fed Should Cut Interest Rates to Imaginary Number i
- Jesus Ruins Local Family's Easter
- Kansas Abortion Doctor Aborted At 3,752 Weeks
- Local Man Not Thinking About Sex Enough
- Los Alamitos Mayor Shocked To Discover Racial Slur In Own Email
- Man Arrested For Driving Drunk On Motorized Barstool; 'Could Have Killed Hundreds', Police Say
- Man Goes Hours Without Food To Leave Room For Fancy Meal, Now Can Relate To Starving African Children
- Man Not Even Going To Make A Big Deal Out Of This
- Man Uncomfortable With Lack Of Clichés In Recent Conversation
- Mother Of Octuplets To Feed Babies To Other Children
- Other States Still 'Pretty Sure' That California Is Gay
- Parents Fear That New Generation Will Be First To Be Less Hip Than They Are
- Pending Sales Of Non-Homes Skyrocket
- Pilot Admits To Intentionally Crashing Small Plane Into Hudson 'For The Glory'
- Protesters Poised To Teabag America
- Several Birds Die In Tragic Hudson River Plane Crash
- U.S. Considers Bankruptcy, Liquidation
- U.S. Economy Emits Large Farting Sound
- U.S. Recession 'Just A Bad Dream', Says Flying Octopus Obama
2006-2008 (listed alphabetically)
- 9/11 Commission: U.S. Lags On Giant Terror-Deflecting Force Field
- Activist Ceases Protesting After Realizing She's Lucky To Live In Country Allowing Her To Protest
- Americans Getting Fatter, Confirms Fat Guy
- Anti-Immigration Advocates Step Up Protests By Illegally Immigrating To Mexico
- Arab Company Gives Port Operations To Dangerous American Company
- Attempts At Hot Sex With Ugly Wife Only Making Things Worse
- Authorities Relieved To Hear Church Fires Were Joke
- Bush Enraged By Pearl Harbor Attacks; Declares War On China
- California Requires Child Molesters To Have Vanity License Plates
- Child Scarred For Life After Missing Chance To See Bear Eat Monkey
- Child Wants To Be Total Asshole When He Grows Up
- Civil Rights Watchdogs Preemptively Criticize Officials For Thwarting Terrorist Attacks
- Closet Racist Finally Comes Out
- DVD Not Watched
- Everyone At Party Really Nice To Black Guy
- English Teacher's Grammatically Correct Text Messaging Annoying To Friends
- Federal Reserve Uses Nude Photos To Raise Interest In Rates
- Ford To Market Car Bomb Models In Iraq
- Habitual Traffic Violator Paranoid That Lifestyle Of Speeding, Incomplete Stops Will Someday Catch Up With Him
- Handicapped Man Accidentally Stared At
- Hateful Language Discovered In Rev. King's 'I Have a Dream' Speech
- Heat Wave 2006 Special Report: Did The Government Do Enough To Protect Public From The Sun?
- Husband's Opinion Causes Wife To Question Handling of Iraq War
- Jenny Craig Vacationers Tip Scale, Boat
- Joking Replies To Stupid Security Questions Now Tolerated During Airport Check-In
- Man Eye-Murdered By Passive-Aggressive Coworker
- Man Finds Duties As Godfather Less Enjoyable Than Those Of Best Man
- Man Regrets Hitting It Off With Ugly Chick
- Man Remembers Where Twin Towers Were When He Was Attacked
- Man's Death Offset By His Fantastic Accumulation Of Possessions
- Man's Presumptuous Voice Mail Assumes That People Actually Want To Talk To Him
- Nation Dismayed As Suicide Bomber Destroys Thousands of Precious Gallons Of Gas, Some Iraqis
- New Orleans Re-Floods Self In Spirit Of Mardi Gras Satire
- Oil Pipe Leaks, Draws Criticism For 'Sexual Imagery'
- Passenger Actually Considers Telling Authorized Personnel About Suspicious Person, Unattended Baggage
- Plane Lands In Kentucky For Some Reason
- Some Sensationalist Bullshit That's Not True, Says Local News Report
- Special Report: Could Your Kindly Neighbor Be A Pedophile?
- Survey: 10 Out Of 10 Americans Can't Fucking Believe It's So Hot Outside
- Thousands Of Albertos Ordered To Evacuate Florida
- Wire Coat Hanger Sales Soaring In South Dakota
2005 (listed alphabetically)
- 95 Percent Of Americans Are Offended
- Activist Group: Pledge Of Allegiance Must Contain 'Under Cthulhu'
- America Exhausted By Weeks Of Katrina Fundraisers, Benefit Galas
- Americans Begin Lent, Promise To Quit Chocolate, Lose Weight For Christ
- Americans Wish They Weren't So Enthralled With BTK Murders
- Area Man Succeeds Because He Set His Mind To It
- Comatose Schiavo Was Actually Sleeping, Concludes Church Autopsy
- Death Sentence Ruled 'Cruel And Unusual' For Cruel, Unusual Minors
- Financial Advisor Uses Wealth, Equipment To Take Life To The Max
- Gas Prices Fall; Americans Glad To Not Have To Use Dormant 'Legs'
- Hippie Switches To Organic Rolling Papers For Earth Day
- Hurricane Ophelia Targets Town Of Hamlet
- Local Man Criticized For Not Responding Quickly To Katrina
- Man Accidentally Enjoys Background Music While On Hold
- Man Asserts Individualism With Pithy Voicemail Message
- Man Constantly References Fact That He's Married
- Man Interrupts Porn Session For Brief Thought To Flood Victims
- Man Machine-Washes Flag In Hot Water, Discovers These Colors Do Run
- Mating, Cute Pandas In Zoo-Woo Infatuate, Impress Public
- Metal Detector Fails To Stop School Shooting; Schools Consider Larger Detectors
- Northern Gulf Coast Rocked Like Hurricane
- Other States Flood Selves In Tribute To Louisiana
- Rescue Efforts Enrage New Orleans Residents
- Rita Approaches; Hurricanes 'Seriously Not Even Funny Anymore', Complain Americans
- Rosa Parks' Lawyer: Casket Has Right To Be In Front Seat Of Hearse
- Shitty Stores Closing At Record Pace
- Son Proudly Carries On Family's Tradition Of Smoking
- Starbucks Wins Battle With Boycotter
- Through Hard Work, Perseverance, Teen Learns To Like Beer
- Trillions Of Potential Lives Taken
- U.S. Attacked Again, Experts Already Saying 'September 11th II', Huge Tragedy, We Will All Likely Die Soon
- Use Of Word 'Crisis' Reaches Crisis Proportions
2004 (listed alphabetically)
- Accused Murderer Justifies Killings By Eating Subway Prior To Crime
- Alum Not Recognized In Favorite College Bar
- American Indian Museum Opens In DC, Is Promptly Stolen By American History Museum
- Americans Prefer Less Variety, Says New Poll
- Area Man Attempts Various Euphemisms To Discuss Sex With Wife
- Area Man Drinks Beer, Gets Women
- Area Man Ostracized For Not Using Cell Phone In Movie Theater
- Area Man Surprised To Find Self Expressing Wife's Opinion To Friends
- Area Punk-Styled Girl Wishes She Wouldn't Be Judged As Punk-Styled Girl
- Company President's Vanity Plate 'RCH ASHOL' Attempts Irony; Is Actually Brutal Honesty
- Death Of Teacher Ruins Students' Ability To Make Fun Of Her
- High-Speed Car Crash Kills Rowdy High School Teen, Surprises No One
- Influence Of Class Of '76 Not Felt Outside Of Hometown
- Lawsuit Filed After Jackson's 'Lewd Stunt' Causes Murder, Suicide, Uncontrollable Fornication
- Local Child Discovers 'Fuck'
- Local Man Totally Not Shitting You
- Local Man With British Accent Is 'Not Charming, Just An Asshole'
- Local Masturbator Fails To Mention Masturbating As Hobby
- Man Erroneously Believes Pet's Death Is April Fool's Joke
- Mediocre Lives Interrupted By Mediocre Fuck
- New WTC Site Tower To Be Tallest In World, Offer Encouragement To Future Terrorists
- Posted Speed Limit Taunts Rush-Hour Commuters
- Rush Hour Tragedy Kills Four, Pisses Off Commuters
- Saddam's Capture Causes Safer America, End Of Terror, Elimination Of Disease
- T-Shirt Not Old Enough To Be Ironically Funny
- Teenager Finally Broken Of Non-Smoking Habit
- Triple Hurricanes Threaten Entire Florida Comb-Over Industry
- What Happens In Vegas 'Easily Discovered' By Friends, Family, Reports Ruined Local Man
2003 (listed alphabetically)
- Area Man Called Bastard, Was Not Born Out Of Wedlock
- Area Man Runs Off Cliff Without Looking Down, Fails To Fall
- Area Woman Wants New Tattoo Noticed
- Car In Which Gas Is Passed Passes Gas Station; Both Occupants Silently Consider Irony
- Conformists Suck, Complains Conformist Punk
- Equal Rights Activists Demand Fair Treatment For Nazis
- Gopher Gets Into Root Cellar, Makes Local News Headlines
- Local Motorcyclist Hits Tree, Sues Township
- Man Wants To Date French Woman, Unsure If It's Okay Yet
2000-2002 (listed alphabetically)
- Answering Machine Message More Stupid Than Funny
- Area Man Blows Horn, Clears Traffic Jam
- Area Man Not Making A DIfference
- Buffalo Sue Union Pacific, Demand Reparations
- College Freshman Disappointed At Lack Of Sexy Coeds
- More archived material coming soon -- check back often!
