Child Scarred For Life After Missing Chance To See Bear Eat Monkey
As horrified onlookers watched three sloth bears devour a macaque monkey at a Dutch zoo in Amsterdam, little Yost Hostenstein, 9, sat with his parents at the zoo's food court, devastatingly unaware of the nearby bloodbath that would have made the youngster the envy of his peers.
As the gristly image unfolded, the Hostenstein family sat placidly under the shade of an imported palm tree and ate lemon ice as they prepared to make their way to the bird house, hearing of the totally awesome bloodbath only through the grapevine.
"By the time we got to the scene, there was nothing we could do," said the elder Michelson Hostenstein, 41. "We tried to encourage our inconsolable son to look for pools of blood or decapitated monkey heads, but the medics and staff had cleaned everything up by then. Even my joke about the vine looking like a disemboweled monkey intestine failed to stem the tide of his tears."
Park officials confirmed the attack, calling it a phenomenal event that happens once, if ever, in a lifetime. A zoo spokesperson added further that they wished that every visitor could have witnessed the Mamma, Papa and Baby Bear fairy tale gone horribly wrong, but admitted that events like that are hard to predict.
"We are shocked to see wild animals behave like such beasts, but these kinds of things do happen," said bear keeper Adriaan Christiaan. "It is too bad that we couldn't have collected all the children visiting the zoo on Monday to see live a real-life example of how different life in the jungle is from TV, but we do have a lovely gift shoppe with plenty of predator-and-prey home videos for sale to take home."
Zoo officials expressed sympathy for Little Yost, who will have to live his entire life knowing that despite being within earshot of fucking bears feasting on fresh goddam monkey guts, he might as well have been on the far side of the world.
"I wanna see bears eat monkey, bears eat monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, bear poop!" wailed the sobbing child upon not witnessing the attack. His parents have begun looking into child psychologists to help the child overcome missing such a show-and-tell-worthy moment.
"It would be one thing if he could have seen, if not the actual killing, then the feast that ensued," said child psychologist Ernst Borgnine, "because that's the kind of story you tell to your grandchildren."
Borgnine went on to explain the effects of missed opportunities of this sort: "Of course, he would eventually bore his friends to death with that story, but it would be a hell of a lot better than the story he's going to tell about being in the zoo on the same day, but missing the whole thing. Now instead of telling his friends about watching three badass bears tear an escaped primate limb from limb, in graphic and bloodcurdling detail, he’ll be giving them the 'almost' version. How traumatic."
Experts have mathematically confirmed that bears killing and eating a monkey is the coolest thing that could ever be witnessed anywhere, with a possible exception being a pack of monkeys eating a bear.
"That probably won't ever happen again -- sucks to be little Yost," said American tourist and zoo visitor Michael Holmen on a post-graduate tour of Europe with friends. "Man, that shit was wack, and just think that I was going to tell everyone back home about castles, dykes -- huh, huh -- and windmills. No way, that was the coolest thing I've ever seen, and thank God I had my camera phone."
Zoo officials have offered the Hostenstein family possession of the monkey’s amputated paw to compensate for their loss.
