World's Most Average Man Discovered
Scientists from the University of Chicago claim to have discovered evidence of the world's most average person, a creature previously thought to have been merely a boring myth.
The common name for the creature whom scientists claim possesses an abundance of every menial and predictable character trait possible is Joe Babbitt. He was unearthed in Chicago late yesterday, when scientists spotted him amidst city pedestrians by not noticing him at all.
"This Babbitt specimen is so thoroughly average, it's exceptional," said lead researcher Bruce Erickson, sociology professor. "Babbitt has absolutely no characteristic or personality that differs him from anyone else, except that very quality."
Now in captivity, scientists have observed Babbitt engaging in a number of extraordinarily average activities, including filling out a NCAA men's basketball tournament bracket in between sending texts to his girlfriend about seeing the number two movie at the box office this past weekend.
Alone, these elements would not set Babbitt apart from other specimens once thought to be the epitome of average. But Erickson says the key to the discovery is Babbitt's "truly uninspiring" combination of everything predictable and unremarkable.
"I'm practically beside myself with disinterest," said Erickson. "I've never seen anything so profoundly insipid before in all my years of specializing in social homogeny and blandness."
Babbitt's habitat -- a one-bedroom apartment in Chicago's Lincoln Park -- has also been subject to intensive study, revealing evidence of co-habitation with another completely non-remarkable person named Jennifer, who is currently believed to be out shopping for a Cubs doggie jersey for Babbitt's yellow labrador, Skip.
Despite a general paucity of uniqueness, Jennifer was nevertheless determined to be noticeably below average in a number of ways, which makes her part of the normal human race, not a member of her featureless boyfriend's species.
Now that the summation of all that is not exceptional yet not explicitly pathetic has been reduced to a singular specimen, experts are pondering the possibilities and ramifications of the discovery -- not only for science, but in the important fields of profiteering and general exploitology.
"While it may be unethical to clone Babbitt's DNA, just think of a future where advertisers and politicians don't need to worry about market research, demographics or preferences," said social biologist Ruben Kinaide. "Just a few symbols and carefully-placed product endorsements could conceivably sway a majority of the entire nation, and mass communication and ubiquity would rule the day."
When asked to give his opinion on being found to be the world's most nominal person, Babbitt, who is capable of only the most basic of communication, replied, "Well, you know, six of one, half a dozen of another," and resumed listening to the Coldplay song being pumped in to his cage.
