U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan

Pictured: an artist's conception of what a typical Afghan citizen might look like.

U.S. and Afghan officials claim to have discovered more than $1,000 trillion in untapped unobtainium deposits in Afghanistan, far beyond any previously known reserves and enough to fundamentally alter the Afghan economy -- and perhaps the war itself, according to senior American military officials.

Unobtainium is one of the rarest and most unobtainable minerals in the universe, previously only thought to exist inside the uncreative mind of movie director James Cameron. It sells for upwards of $20 million per kilogram, and tends to be guarded by "stupid, uneducated, savage peoples that don't understand its value," according to Marine Corps Colonel Steven Quaritch.

"Typically, the only way to obtain unobtainium is to blow up the savages protecting it, because for some reason they always live right on top of it," said Quaritch, who is leading the invasion of the ground below Afghanistan. "Luckily, though, we have been doing just that for nine years now already!"

The reserves of unobtainium, theoretically obtainable by modern mining methods, remain untapped by the people of Afghanistan. According to a poll of Americans, this is primarily because they ride around on camels and do not even speak any known language.

Mr. Whitman McWhiterman, chairman and CEO of Invasion Mining, Inc., was ecstatic about the discovery. "Finally, I will be rich," said Mr. McWhiterman. "Finally, once we've rid the world of these pesky Afghan creatures, we'll be able to mine and obtain all of this unobtainium."

"It is a complete waste," continued Col. Quaritch, "that this super-duper important mineral, which we Americans need, is just sitting over there with no one mining it. It's only fair that we get our fair share."

Others, however, were not so optimistic about the ability of America to obtain the unobtainium.

Sigourney Weaver, the actress best known for her performance as Marcia Lawton on the television series 3 By Cheever, was not confident about the discovery. "At a time of growing despair about Afghanistan and its government," she said during a phone interview with the EV, "the portrayal of the country as a potential or unobtainium mine -- or goldmine, as it were -- could help to attract mercenaries and dispossessed soldiers in an attempt to destroy that large tree in which all Afghan people live."

Weaver is referring to "Home Tree", which according to U.S. intelligence is both the world's largest tree and the Mecca for all Islamic peoples in the world. Reports indicate that all Afghan citizens live in Home Tree, which is located directly above the unobtainium deposit.

"At the core of Home Tree is the Kaaba, a large black cube around which each Muslim must walk seven times, in a counter-clockwise direction," said an unnamed senior intelligence official. "it is through the Kaaba that each Muslim can actually communicate with the unobtainium deposit -- accomplished by attaching their tails directly to the Kaaba."

Removing the Afghans from Home Tree may be extremely difficult, but most American leaders are not worried.

"Once we find out what the blue monkeys want, it will be easy," concluded McWhiterman. "Even people as backwards as the ones in Afghanistan should be able to see the obvious by now: they can't avoid joining real civilization forever."

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