Area Man Is Literally An Idiot
After hearing his repeated misuse of the term "literally", friends and family of Philadelphia, PA resident Paul Thompson agree that he is literally, not figuratively or metaphorically, an idiot.
The last piece of evidence, says brother Alan Thompson, came when the 27-year-old finance administrator said that he had been so frightened by a recent film that he "literally crapped his pants".
"I said, 'Oh man, that's disgusting, Paul!'" the older Thompson brother recalled. "And he was like, 'Well, dude, I didn't, like, actually crap my pants. But I literally did!'"
"That's when I knew," he added, "that I was literally related to an idiot."
Merriam-Webster's defines "idiot" as "a foolish or stupid person (see also MORON, CUNT, SILLYPANTSY)", a characterization Thompson's friend Sully Palmer agrees with.
"After Paul told me that he thought my new girlfriend was so hot that he 'literally' had sex with her the other night, I told him that I was literally going to punch him in the face," said Palmer, grimacing as he massaged his bruised knuckles. "Maybe now he'll understand how to properly use 'literally' in a sentence."
But any lesson Palmer was hoping to impart was lost on Thompson, who complained, "When your friend says that he isn't really going to punch you, and then does, it's just not even fair."
Thompson added, "I literally almost died from that."
Dr. Chom Nomsky, professor of linguistics at the University of Pennsylvania, says that thanks to the idiotic efforts of Thompson, "literally" is on its way to joining an ever-growing group of words that no longer mean what they once did.
"Time was, you could call someone a 'motherfucker' only when you were damn sure that they had relations with their own birth-giver," Nomsky said wistfully. "I sincerely doubt that everyone who's called that nowadays has literally had sex with their mother. Maybe 10% at the most."
Nomsky says the answer to the nation's language woes is simple: the creation of a linguistics enforcement panel -- similar to the government death panel that's being proposed by President Obama to murder the nation's sick and elderly -- to brutally enforce the correct usage of all words.
"All of the sillypantsies out there would learn to speak correctly," he said, "if they were shot in the face as soon as they said something wrong."
Thompson, however, says he's done nothing wrong, "irregardless of any speaking errors" he may have committed.
"I honestly could care less if I'm not saying something the way idiot academics say it should be said," he said dismissively. "I mean that. I literally could care less."
"Anyways," Thompson said, "aren't there plenty of other things to worry about, instead of whether or not I'm using a word correctly or not? You'd have to be a pretty picky cunt to get worked about something like that."
In a recent poll, over 63% of Americans said they were literally sick and tired from other Americans speaking incorrectly, and wished they'd stop.
