High-Speed Car Crash Kills Rowdy High School Teen, Surprises No One
Bay Village, Ohio resident Max Foos, 17, was pronounced dead at the scene of a crash involving another car, which Foos collided with upon entering the lane of opposing traffic -- a demise which, according to sources, didn't surprise anyone who knew Foos.
"It's not like this came out of the blue - we all knew that his end was going to be a grisly one," said chemistry teacher Mark Wooley. "As a matter of fact, to tell you the truth, I thought it was going to be worse than this."
Foos was renowned for his near-continuous presence on the detention list, being continuously late for class on the rare days he did attend, and being a repeat-violator of school policies that include bans on smoking on the premises and the prohibiting of attending classes under the influence of drugs and alcohol.
Due to this reputation, his demise seems to be the logical end, according to many of Foos' teachers, of a self-destructive but not uninteresting career of a young deviant and misanthrope.
"The teachers all had a pool on how he'd go out, and I think some student groups did too," said Principal Jules Himler. "The smart money, I thought, was on an overdose, but the car crash was a close second, coming in at 4-1 odds."
Himler added as he sadly prepared to put his $20 into the cash pot, "You should never bet with your heart."
Having been abandoned by his mother at an early age and after the death of his father, Foos lived at the home of his uncle, Tom O'Brien. Despite half-hearted attempts to change the teen's life around, O'Brien found him incorrigible to the core and, due to the large inheritance collected from his father's demise, was vastly irresponsible with both money and actions.
"I tried to convince him to save some of his money," stated O'Brien sadly, "but you could just tell that he was destined to be a fuck-up. When he turned 16, the first thing he did was buy a souped-up Mustang with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what kind of trouble he was going to get into with something like that."
Having lived with the teen for ten of his tumultuous seventeen years, O'Brien expressed grief over the death of Foos, but explained that he almost expected it and was only surprised that, "I didn't kill him myself after he cleaned out my wallet for the sixth, seventh and eighth times – and that was just the count from last week."
O'Brien then struggled not to laugh as he put away the picture he held in his hand, which depicted Foos' eighth grade class photo in which he is subtly giving the camera the finger.
In his later years, Foos' behavior became more destructive and obscene while at the same time more entertaining for his peers to watch.
"I'll never forget the day in [9th grade] Earth Science when he put a dissected frog's lower intestine in the drinking fountain," laughed classmate Jordan Kelter. "[Science Teacher] Mr. Bobins totally went off the fucking handle and was saying shit like, 'This is not the action of a young adult, sir! I shall dedicate myself to ruining any career you wish to pursue, even if it be vagrancy' which made it even more hilarious."
Admitting that he's sorry that Foos is no longer around to entertain his various classes with deviant behavior, Kelter also stated that, "that dude was a walking, talking car crash that was just too fucked up not to admire. Damn, if only he could have waited until graduation to pull this death shit."
Far from being amusing only in the classroom, Foos' reputation for mastering the consumption of drugs and alcohol surpassed anyone in his graduating class, and even the class ahead of him, according to many witnesses.
"I think he actually did die a couple of times," said Martin Olsen, classmate of Foos. "Swear to God, he passed out at a bunch of parties and was almost taken to the hospital a few times. But then he'd wake up and go back to the fridge for another beer, or take a huge bong rip, or whatever he could get his hands on."
Olsen described for reporters a typical night with Foos: "Greg [last name not given] had this kick ass party, like, a month ago, so Foos shows up already wasted and smelling like model glue. Then he drinks most of a bottle of Jack [Daniel's Whiskey] -- or at least so he claimed and I believe him -- drinks I-don't-know how many beers, packs the bong with super-dank weed and takes the biggest rips I've ever seen, and somehow, before the end of the night, manages to fall out of a second story window, land on the patio, lives, and ends up driving home. And that was pretty normal for him."
Not exactly a ladies' man, according to the female demographic of the class of '05, but not a loser either, Foos' memory will live on in many girls' minds as "the one that got away".
"I went driving with him once and thought that I was going to die too," said Sophomore Julie Woodrowski, "especially when he started smoking a bowl while shifting gears and trying to open a can of Budweiser. I guess no one wanted to go out with him because they knew that either he'd kill them both or die on his own and break their heart."
As a look of wanting and sadness crept in to her demeanor, Woodrowski continued, "but he would have been a really great guy if he'd been willing to settle down a little."
Despite Foos' lack of a girlfriend while alive, class president Kate Bell has already declared "Last Kiss" by Pearl Jam to be the class song.
"Some people, mostly guys," stated Bell, "thought that ‘The Power of Positive Drinking' by Lou Reed would be more appropriate, but I don't want to misrepresent the rest of my class. Still, I'd like to have my ten bucks back that I placed on him having at least 0.20 B.A.C. upon death."
Foos' was found to have a 0.15 blood-alcohol level at the time of his death -- only twice the legal limit in the state of Ohio, which came as a disappointment to many expecting a more grandiose and degenerate exit from his mortal coil.
"0.15? Weak," said Principal Himler, shaking his head sadly.
He then sighed and looked off in the distance, muttering, "What a waste, what a waste. His death could've been so much more spectacular."
