Senators Propose Landmark 'Discount Sex Rebate' To Offset Gas Prices
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist has begun spearheading a movement within the Senate to give "every American taxpayer" an annual rebate "in the form of sexual favors" to counter the rising price of gasoline, Frist announced today.
The sexual rebate would "consist of hand jobs, blow jobs, cunnilingus and anal play", performed on the average American by his or her senators.
"Our plan would give taxpayers a little sumpin-sumpin to help ease the pain that they're feeling at the pump," Frist said, winking grotesquely. "It also includes the cost of protection, to protect consumers against anti-competitive sexually transmitted diseases."
Many Americans are in favor of the plan, including many "virgins" and "hideous people" -- many of whom do not even own vehicles.
"Heck, sure I'd let Senator Daniel Akaka go down on me," said Cincinnati, OH resident Albert O'Jackson. "With a name like Akaka, I bet he's something special in the sack."
Indeed, a recent AP poll showed that while many Americans are suffering at the pump, even more Americans are suffering in the bedroom. Over 89% of Americans said they would prefer sex "more often", as opposed to only 81% of Americans who "suffered painfully" every day at the pump.
"It may cost them $40 to fill their gas tanks," said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Delaware), "but where I come from -- the astounding state of Delaware -- nothing says 'sexy' more than a lap dance from yours truly. It's just the Delaware way."
However, many conservative religious groups are mounting a grassroots resistance campaign against the new initiative. Dubbed the "Sex + Arabs = Oily Mess" campaign, the conservative groups are lobbying for oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife reserve, more drilling sites along the Gulf coast, and increased oil exportation from New Hampshire, all to ensure that people don't hear about sex and forget that it exists.
"I find this bill morally reprehensible," said SAOM member Bill Frist, who was responsible for the bill's creation. When the apparent contradiction was pointed out to him, he explained that he is trying to lay the groundwork for his presidential bid, something that is "understandable", according to Arizona Senator John McCain.
"I don't believe it's very difficult to support this bill on different levels, including not supporting it at all," he said, alternately licking and setting fire to a picture of President Bush.
Not all SAOM members are so dualist, however; the leader of the SAOM campaign, Rev. Bill Billsonbill, is intent on the organization's goals, explaining, "New Hampshire has oil up there somewhere, I know it."
Billsonbill, who originates from Arkansas, has been active in the anti-sex, anti-Arab, anti-New Hampshire movement for decades, and is considered the campaign's most charismatic and intelligent leader.
"So now, instead of letting the Arabs rot out there in the desert, we're sending them even more of our hard-earned American money, while our Senators try their best to give us their terrible, disgusting love instead of addressing the real problem: Arabs," Billsonbill continued. "When Slick Willy was in the oval office having his you-know-what-you-know-what'd-by-that-you-know-what-Monica-you-knowski, I was out on the streets telling people the truth about Arabs."
Billsonbill and SAOM have called for the Senate to abandon its "sexulicious" ways and instead focus primarily on a new, three-pronged energy policy: 1) Drill in ANWR, 2) Round up most Arabs, and 3) Napalm New Hampshire, followed by 3b) Drilling in New Hampshire.
"I'm convinced that with enough drilling, we'll discover oil reserves that can power our country for at least another 35 or 40 years," Billsonbill said. "That's practically forever."
But despite opposition from groups like SAOM, the Sexual Favors Bill has strong support in Congress. Said Sen. Mike Crapo (D-Idaho): "I haven't gotten laid in fifteen years. It's about time someone came up with this bill." However, because his name is "Crapo", it is unclear exactly how "laid" he will be getting.
