Lord Of The Rings And Ninja Turtles: Radical Ring Power (Part VII)

Pictured: copyright-fraudilicious art for our upcoming book.

XIX. What Ring?
With Shredder probably scared off forever (or maybe not...but probably [he might not be]), our heroes -- all four Ninja Turtles, Vanilla Ice, reporter and nude car-washer April, Master Splinter, Casey Jones, Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Gandalf -- decided to focus once again on the ring of unnnnliimmited ppoowwwwaaahhh. (Harry Potter and old Ron Weasley were both dead, and we aren't allowed to see Hermione Granger anymore because those movies aren't really for your age group now, honey.)

"Now," Gandalf thundered, using his electrical powers to stop global warming and free America from having to buy oil from Muslims all the time. "What were you saying about the ring, Donatello?"

"Well, I thought that Gollum was going to give it to Shredder," Donatello laughed, typing on his new Apple MacBook Pro®©™, "but there must be a problem with my calculations. Why would he ever do something like that?"

"Why indeed," Donatello thought to himself, frowning. "Those jokesters can keep on joking, but I think Gollum really might be up to no good...and it might have to do with that ring -- the same ring that we all need to stop the evil Shredder and Sauron from using, because it's the ring that can control the universe with just one ring!"

"Stop thinking, everyone," Leonardo yelled, using an important ninja exercise to pin Michelangelo's head down between his legs. "Gollum has something to say!"

"GOLLY GORSH GOLLUM, WHY DONCHA SPEAK UP BEFORE I POOP MESELF?" Sam asked, causing everyone to laugh, but in a nice way, since he was a little annoying but meant well, and was a good friend to Frodo.

"Sam, you're a good friend to me," Frodo explained, "but right now, you need to finally just never talk again so that we can all hear what Gollum has to say. Gollum, are you going to tell us something about your date last night, and not about the ring, since we know it's safe forever with you?"

XX. Gollum Speaks...Or Does He?

Master Splinter gave April a friendly lick on her bosoms. Flies ate out the eyes from Harry Potter's dead body. "Pika-Pee-Pikachu!" chirped Pikachu, the Pokemon who had arrived a few minutes earlier. Everyone waited to hear Gollum speak.

"Come on -- speak now, or forever hold your pizza!" Raphael joked, causing Michelangelo to scream "WHOA YOU DUDES AH LOOOOOVVEEE PIIIIIZZZZAAAAURRGHAAA" and eat his own toes, thinking that they were a pie from Luigi's, with all the toppings, even pepperoni and anchovies, yuck!

"Michelangelo, your foot is bleeding at 1.34 gigagallons per nanosecond," Donatello calculated, causing everyone to laugh because he's a nerd, even though Michelangelo was bleeding so badly that he eventually died.

"Bleeding indeed," Donatello thought to himself, frowning. "Those jokesters can keep on joking, but I think Gollum really might be up to no good! I hope he speaks...and soon!"

XXI. Shredder Comes Back Even Though Nobody Knew

"PRECIOUS RING -- " Gollum hissed, but his sentence was cut off by a gigantic foot suddenly stomping him into the ground, murdering him instantly!

"Now you know what it's like in Heaven, Gollum," remarked the ghost of Harry Potter, floating and holding hands with Ron Weasley and Leonardo, who had stabbed himself in the head with his katana blade so that he could be in Heaven to also hold hands with the young boys. "It's --" Suddenly, he was interrupted, too, when a second gigantic foot crushed him and caused black stuff to come out of his eyes and nose!

"You stupid fools," boomed a voice, and to everyone's complete shock and amazement, it was Shredder! He was over 2,684 feet tall, making him taller than Burj Dubai, the world's tallest man-made structure! Even more crazily, Sauron and Osama bin Laden were riding on his shoulders, and there was a gigantic, glowing circle hanging around his neck!

"Allow me to explain," he sneered, tying everyone up and suspending them over a tank of alligators and sharks. "You see, Gollum already gave me the ring during Part Six of the story. While you were waiting for him to talk, I used its power to grow, and enslave the whole world. I also put down a gigantic rat trap that killed Master Splinter, because even though he looked cute, he was getting into the cereal boxes at night!"

Donatello did some quick calculations on his Turtle Abacus, and realized that for once, Shredder was telling the truth! Plus, Casey Jones, Vanilla Ice, and April the reporter were all dead, because they were minor characters.

"Shredder and Sauron, you'll never get the ring!" shouted Frodo, trying to ignore Sam's furious h*mping of his leg. But would they?

To Be Continued...

« Go back to Part VI | Read from the beginning »

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