If We Can Have Medicinal Marijuana, Why Not Medicinal Booze?

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

If you care about partying or having fun at all, you've probably already heard the news that the federal government isn't going to go after medicinal marijuana users and dealers anymore. Trust me, I'm as happy as you are about this, especially now that I'm like 95% sure that I can force myself to contract glaucoma. But I can't help be a little disappointed that there was no announcement about medicinal booze to go along with it.

Think about it: when was the last time you ever saw a sick person who was drinking? Sure, people can overdose on Jack Daniels and wind up with some slight nausea or minor car accidentness, but any medicine has dangerous side effects if you abuse it. We would just make sure to list the risks at the end of the booze commercial I've been working on:

[Sad music plays in the background, over black and white shots of various people looking out the window while it rains]

Woman 1: "I feel uncomfortable in social situations."
Man 1: "I just want something to help my chronic pain."
Woman 2: "I'm tired of hearing my damn kids all the time."

[Happy music begins, as people run drunkenly down the beach and "BOOZE" displays on the screen]

Woman 1: "Now I can talk whoever I damn want!"
Man 1: "I think I broke my leg, haha!"
Woman 2: "You fucking shitfucks, you shit, mmrhhmm."

My point is simple: once we have medicinal booze, Coors brewing company needs to pay me to use my commercial. I would happily accept payment in booze, assuming that I would qualify for a prescription (and I do assume that, because I'm basically a dysfunctional person without booze).

More importantly, my other point is this: medicinal booze could improve the lives of the suffering just as well as medicinal marijuana. So why do we have one and not the other?

I think it all has to do with a lot of misconceptions about booze propagated by the powerful corn lobby. They want to use all of the nation's available ethanol -- another name for alcohol, the chief active ingredient in booze -- in machines that make corporations profit while keeping the people in a terrible state of lucidity and sobriety. Well, allow me to take a minute right now and clear the air for those of you on the fence about the Tylenol of the 21st century.

Myth: Booze can cause you to disappoint your family and run over children.
Fact: Only marijuana does this.

Myth: Booze can cause children to do poorly in school.
Fact: Legally, only people 21 years of age and older can buy and drink booze, which should completely prevent anyone younger than than from ever getting it. Plus, even if they did, they would be considered cool by their peers, thus succeeding at school.

Myth: Booze is used by primarily by scary minorities and/or poor people.
Fact: Booze is actually the only thing in history that every single person -- whether secretly or out in the open -- can agree is awesome.

If you don't support the legalization of medicinal booze, then you don't support facts. And if you don't support facts, you might want to check the dosage on your medicinal marijuana.

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He is a frequent user of non-medicinal booze.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: