I'm A Self-Abusive Cokehead -- Why Am I Not Famous?

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

I give up. I just don't get it. According to my schedule, I should be a best-seller, or at least a cult figure, but so far? Nothing. After the many all-night coke binges, drunken sprees and anonymous sexual partners, I thought that there would be some kind of subculture forming around me, but what do I have instead? Only a few friends who still think that my Samuel L. Jackson impression is funny.

It worked for all the great authors -- Hemingway, Henry Miller, Bukowski...the list goes on and on, but doesn't include me yet. Why not? I mean, I haven't written anything since that letter to the editor of my high school newspaper about lunch prices going up a quarter, but I don't think that it was the books that those guys wrote that really made them famous. I mean, that's how everyone knows about them, but it wasn't just their stories -- they're famous because they drank, smoked and had lots of naughty-naughty.

Artists too. I don't know much about Picasso or anything, but he did a lot of that too. Sex, not painting. Well, painting too, I guess, but isn't he renowned for being a misogynist? I'm not really sure what that word means, but it definitely has something to do with women, and while I'm sure I'm not up to his level yet, I'm working on it.

But that's probably my problem... I guess it's premature to call myself a "womanizer", although I have had what experts call "multiple sexual relations". There was even one time that I didn't remember the girl's name! I'm still waiting for a Hollywood agent to come knocking down my door about that one, because that's the kind of stuff that makes a blockbuster! I guess I'm really not a womanizer at all, but that doesn't mean that I don't have anything to contribute to society.

If not my storied sexual past, then certainly my predilection for coke should've gotten me into the limelight by now. I guess I'm not a full blown, rattled addict, but I've had plenty of those nights that have turned into days that have turned into weeks like you see in all the great movies like "Trainspotting" and "Basketball Diaries". No one's come to me about a deal for my memoirs yet, but I'm positive that I have a lot to offer the hungry reading public. Who doesn't love stories about a red-eyed, pale-skinned, nervous wreak who's been up for three days afraid that the man-eating ferrets are coming? Well, that's me. Hollywood, here I am!

Maybe I should take to drink too, because that's done the trick for lots of the major figures. Faulkner a drunk, and look at how big he got! Kerouac, Charlie Chaplin, and Judy Garland too (not that I'm gay or anything)! I must be drinking all the wrong things, even though I'm drinking them all in excess. If I were an alcoholic, then I bet I could be friends with Nicholas Cage, who could use me as a case-study for when they start working on the sequel to "Leaving Las Vegas", which I hear is in the planning stages. Actually, I heard it's going to be a prequel, but Mr. Cage is going to need help, so I should probably get in shape by getting out of shape and drunk.

I guess I'll just keep at it. Someday my ship will come in, I'm sure… I just need to persevere. Coke addiction is an uphill battle, you know. No cakewalk. All of those famous people I mentioned really earned their keep, because – boy! – it takes a toll, but I bet they'd all say that it was worth it. If anyone knows Irvine Welsh's number, please pass it on to me because I've got quite a character study for him to write about – me! If only someone would give me a chance, I could show the world the depths of depravity that an addict is willing to traverse to feed their feral hunger for more, more, more and more! I could be that mysterious figure that everyone wants to know more about. You know, the kind who show up on magazine covers in the grocery store check-out lines with big headlines like, "Gerald William Bunson – Is he too late to save himself? The shocking true story!"

If anyone from Hollywood is listening, please look me up! I'm tired of starving for my craft, and if it weren't for these diet pills, I think I really would be starving. Pizza, anyone?

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. Although he's not yet famous, he enjoys a certain level of infamy for his terrible, debaucherous actions.

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