If I Hear That Darn U2 Song Again I'm Buying An iPod

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

I realize that television is made for commercials, sure. But this one in particular is getting a little outrageous -- I mean, how many times can one hear the same song without going a little crazy? How long can they play "Vertigo" during every commercial break on every station I watch without driving me to jump out of my seat, run to the car, and go to the nearest store to get my own iPod? When will it stop?

Seriously, that song...oh, it's a catchy one, all right. It fills me with an insatiable desire to go get that tiny little device that I hear so much about. Recommended to me by friends, advertised everywhere I look, and now endorsed by Bono and the boys -- it can only be so long until my will gives out and I find myself in the Best Buy checkout line, iPod in hand and the searing guitar licks of the Edge that I will have heard around 30 times in the past week coursing through my brain. Then I will snort a few lines from its shiny black surface and use it to bludgeon a hobo to death, and maybe that will finally lodge Bono's cursed counting in Spanish from my head.

Oh cripes, here it is again. All I wanted to do was watch a few minutes of peaceful Sunday afternoon pro football, and there goes Bono's silhouette gallivanting in front of a solid-purple background for the millionth time today. How much longer will this go on? If I have to see him arching his back and singing to the corporate deity one more G.D. time, I'm going to wind up putting an iPod on my credit card when I should be more concerned about how I'm going to pay for groceries this week. But Acme doesn't have the endorsement of U2, or even Devo!

Don't say it, Bono, don't say it…ah, there you go with all your "yeah yeah yeah" wackiness. Darn it, I can't take it no more. Now I'm going to have to go out and get not only the iPod U2 Special Edition, but their new darn-tastic album. "How To Diffuse An Atomic Bomb", I think it's called? Good -- maybe it will have advice on calming my urge to set off some kind of bomb at the office tomorrow. It doesn't have to be atomic. One of the good old pipe variety will do.

The funny thing is, usually, I can resist buying something that I don't even remotely want to own, but it's either that or I turn off my TV. And you can't expect me to do that! Who could? Bono? I doubt it. He might have a mastery of wearing sunglasses no matter what time of day, but when it comes to watching TV he's just like the rest of us. Maybe worse.

All right, this is the last straw. I'm not going anywhere or buying anything until I hear that song just one more time. Come on, you curs! You got it in you?

Ha, not this time! That was an Afflac Commercial. I just can't get enough of that wacky duck, I tell you.

What about this next one? Nope, you missed it again! Close but no iPod – Intel Inside is nice, and they've got a nice jingle, but it's no Vertigo. I'm sure if I heard it once every ten minutes for four hours a day, I'd change my mind, but for now I can ignore it.

Ooh, next commercial. Will it be this one? Will it? Will it?

Poo-moo! I guess that settles it. A man can only be so strong until Pavlovian advertising sinks in and triggers the desired reaction. After all of my resistance, I would almost feel guilty about not buying all this U2-endorsed stuff, what with all of the money these nice corporations have sunk into it.

Thanks a lot, Bono. You too, Edge (get it?). Adam and Brian, I just don't know what else to say. See you at the checkout line!

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He appreciates the hard work U2 did in selling him his new iPod.

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