Stop Acting Racist About My Racism

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

Everybody told me that the election of a black man to the White House was the start of a new age of balanced, nuanced discussion about race relations. I was under the impression that this "Obama Mandate" was going to end intolerance, and that improved communication and understanding were practically a given.

Here's the problem: if all that is true, why can't I get a word in edgewise about the inferiority of other races and genders?

I mean, isn't this about openness and dissenting opinions? Instead of a reasonable, thorough dissertation on the Origin of Species and survival of the fittest, my theories are met with nothing but pure hate! Intolerance! Scorn! This is most definitely not the new era we were promised by Barack Obama, the first half-breed to be elected to the White House.

All you hear these days is about interaction, understanding and forgiveness -- things I totally support. I'm even willing to forgive the black southern migrants who chased [Grandma and Grandpa Bunson] from their old Detroit neighborhood into [the suburb of] Troy, and I'll even ignore the fact that their old house where my father grew up is now a crack den. So why all the hate?

Look, I smiled all the way through the joke about the Rabbi, the Priest and the colored boy, and I wasn't even offended by the priest being portrayed in such a goofy way! Why can't the coloreds take it with the same lightheartedness? It was a good joke too, boy oh boy!

It's a fact: you can't even have a constructive conversation with these people. Fair and balanced? Hardly! If they were so open-minded, then my thoughts on the concept of "Separate But Equal" wouldn't be met with such intolerance. I'm willing to see other points of view, but only if the other side is willing to listen as well. After all, understanding makes the world go 'round. Are black people not smart enough to understand this?

It's like we're stuck in a Denzel Washington movie or something, where the only viewpoint with any credence is one of racial equality and empowerment of the "little guy". I mean, those are all fine and dandy, but there is a flip side, you know. And it goes beyond race too -- I have no problem with people's lifestyle choices, but every time I start talking about gays being required to pay reparations for bringing AIDS upon the human race, everyone starts getting all up in my face. It's so old-fashioned! Open your minds, people! Would Barack Obama really want you to hate me so much?

And don't even get me started on gender-relations. You'll never find anyone more supportive of equal rights and gender equality than me, but I'll be gosh-darned if I don't get totally discriminated against when I bring up my idea of property ownership requirements for women who want to vote. Men's rights to vote are guaranteed in the Constitution, but how could the founding fathers have even planned for the Second Sex? Did women even exist back then? If everybody wasn't so busy being intolerant, these are questions that we could get some answers to.

But we can't tackle all these problems at once, so let's go back to what to do with what I call the "Black Problem" ("black" as in the analogy to the dark, dangerous, lurking issue that stands between the people of various races, and the difficult choices we have to make if we're going to live in the same world). I would like to propose a solution in which there are no races -- only one strong, powerful and proud people. I say to you, brothers (and sisters, for those of you that know how to read, or for those whose husbands, boyfriends or fathers are dictating this to them): equality must be achieved, no matter what the cost.

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He believes all racist opinions should be treated equally.

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