Man Sets World Record For Doing One Push-Up At 4:43PM On September 24th, 2006

Area man Michael Johnson performed what he's certain is a record-breaking feat today, when he did precisely one push-up -- the act of lowering oneself to the floor and then rising up again using only one's arms, and not the aid of a special machine or computer -- at exactly 4:43 and 31 seconds PM.

Although the event is still being confirmed independently with record-keeping officials, Johnson says that he's confident no one else to date has surpassed his feat.

"I just can't imagine that at 4:43 and 31 seconds PM today, someone else in the world was in the process of doing exactly one push-up," he said. "Maybe a couple were in the middle of several push-ups, I'll grant that possibility. But just one? I don't think so."

In addition, Johnson is "reasonably sure" that his record will never be broken.

"I suppose it's possible that a time traveler may one day attempt to rewrite history, but I really don't think the people at Guinness [World Records] should make exceptions for time travelers, unless they can't help it, because that's how the history happened now and it automatically appears like that in the book," he said. "Even so, I'll always know who truly broke the record: me, not Marty McFly or whoever."

Johnson says that he is in negotiations for some additional media coverage for the event, including a prominent showcasing in Ripley's Believe It Or Not! exhibits around the world.

"This is probably going to become one of their big draws," he said, displaying a rough prototype he envisions for the exhibit, which features a full-scale wax model of him doing the push-up in his apartment and several interesting facts, such as "Michael ate some Doritos before performing the push-up! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!" "I mean, they have lots of cool stuff that people did in the past, but really, how many modern record-breakers are there these days?"

Video footage of the auspicious event will also be provided to Google Video and Youtube, and will include bonus footage of Johnson choking on some milk to provide more of a draw for users of those websites. Still, he expects the record-breaking event itself to be the main attraction.

"You see everything in the raw: me on my living room rug, doing the push-up, and a large clock next to me that's verifying the current time. That part is important, because it's possible and even probable that there were other people setting single push-up records for other times, and I wouldn't want to steal their thunder."

Johnson says that although the temptation is strong for the surely-forthcoming fame and fortune to go to his head, he has no plans to abandon his "humble-yet-important" life of editing advertisements that are run in newspapers.

"My day job does a lot to help the world, but I wanted to make a name for myself and really make a big impact," he said. "Sometimes you just have to take the entrepreneurial spirit and run with it, and help out society in a bigger way."

Early indications, if Youtube users are anything to go by, are that society very much appreciates the gesture.

"Heh, he was choking on the milk after he tried to do some push-ups," said one user. "That's kind of funny. I'll remember this for at least a few seconds."

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