China Gives U.S. $10 Trillion Platinum VISA Card With Low Introductory APR
The Bank of China has issued the U.S. government a Platinum VISA card with a $10 trillion credit limit, announced bank CEO Tsao Doun today.
The letter announcing the newly-extended credit limit reads: "Congratulations, Yankee Imperialist Swine. Bank of China is pleased to extend you a $10 trillion Double-Super Platinum VISA card. With you previous good credit history you've earned it! You have no chance to survive, make your time."
"After have you continued to spend your decadent capitalist country into oblivion, however," the notice continued, "the super yowza low introductory APR will escalator to whatever we want to charge to get you to do things what we want. Thinking about meddling with North Korea, you running dog capitalist dog licks? Ha! Ha! We'll just pull the credit plug and you'll be dance dance to our tune, instead of degenerate rock and roll."
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice downplayed the significance of the Chinese credit letter.
"That's a hoot," chortled Rice. "They are our long-standing allies, unlike Britain and France, and we know they would never do anything to hurt us."
Following Rice's philosophy, the U.S. has decided to accept the offer, with President Bush carefully sending back the application, along with his choice of card design.
"I picked the bald eagle in front of the American flag," he said. "To me, that sort of symbolizes America."
But some warn against the ramifications of what credits call an approaching "drunken credit-funded spending binge", citing the Jones family down the street.
"I couldn't reject any credit card solicitations," said Ms. Sara Jones, recently graduated from Sarah-Harvey Mudd-Lawrence College. "As they kept sending more credit card offers, I accepted them all and used my new credit limits to make payments on my old, maxed-out cards."
"It made sense at the time," she added, sobbing. "It made sense at the time!"
Ms. Jones is now selling her body on Hollywood Blvd., having learned the hard lessons of accepting excessive credit and looking forward to new lessons about STDs and asking for money up front. The same can not be said, say some, for the U.S. Treasury, although not everyone believes that raking up billions a day on the Chinese Platinum VISA will lead to consequences.
"The U.S. economy is doing great!" said Larry Kudlow, business commentator on MSNBC and White House Press Secretary hopeful in the event that Tony Snow's robotic identity is revealed. "Who cares if the trade deficit exceeds a billion dollars annually, and the national debt exceeds $10 trillion -- I haven't heard anyone saying that the credit card is maxed out, and that means we're winning."
Directly addressing critics, Kudlow added, "If drunken binges can make someone President, we ought to just stay on a national drunken spending binge."
He dismissed the idea of fiscal responsibility and what he called "pointy-headed economics", explaining, "I think we should just spend, spend, spend. Hell, it's the only way we'll ever be able to afford gasoline."
