Used-Car-Driving, Non-Property-Owning, Unmarried Man Somehow Happy; Experts Baffled
A Chicago man has rekindled a debate biologists and sociologists thought they had settled centuries ago: can someone who isn't married and doesn't own any property really be happy?
Michael Prenner, 28, claims to be such a person, mystifying experts with his apparent overall satisfaction with life despite his obvious lack of anything that could enable him to be the slightest bit content.
"It makes no sense at all -- given his circumstances, he should spend 62% of his week making comments about working for the upcoming weekend, and 38% of his week talking about how he never got to relax during the prior weekend," said Northwestern University sociology professor Gabriel Hammond, leader of the study that identified Prenner. "He doesn't even appear concerned with the idea that he's not married and owns no Audi."
"He may be dangerous, and we are reporting him to the authorities," added Hammond. "We're frankly shocked that there's a man out there who can refuse to admit that he hates what he does but gets satisfaction out of a hard day's work. We've never seen this kind of thing before."
Some local authorities have cautioned residents to keep a wide berth from Prenner, and have condemned his habits as un-American.
"Mr. Prenner shows no remorse in falling behind his peers in marital, financial, and misery status," said Cook County Sheriff Tom Dart. "He has no interest in a promotion or a raise, but he still seems unusually happy to be exactly where he is now. I only have one term for that: bad citizenship."
Dart added that he had another term for that: terrorism.
"We will be monitoring his activities closely," said Dart. "We should have learned a thing or two from September 11 [2001], when the terrorists didn't show up to the part of their flight lessons that taught proper landing procedures, and we will not make that mistake twice."
Noting his lack of an LCD television or a fancy watch, friends and colleagues have voiced their concern for the mental stability of the young copywriter.
"I asked him last week, 'So how's it going?'" said co-worker Josh Dawton, father of two. "I was expecting something out of him like, 'Hanging in there,' or 'It's going...sigh,' but he said -- get this -- 'Going great, actually!'"
"Creepy," Dawton said, shaking his head.
Even Prenner's parents have voiced concern over their only son's happiness.
"We'll probably never know until it's too late, but we both think he's hiding something," said Prenner's mother, Danna Prenner. "All of his friends are married and have children, so when he says to me, 'Mom, I'm happy living the single life,' I have to wonder what he's not really telling us. I only hope that someone can intercede and bring him out of the black hole that he's falling into, like a woman who wants to start a family and settle down right away, for example."
Prenner was unavailable for comment due to playing a gig with his band "Alligator Funkhouse" at press time, which experts say is only a cover for deep-seeded dissatisfaction at not having at least two or three kids to chase around and put to bed.
"Clearly, he's running from something," said Professor Hammond in response to the latest reports on Prenner's condition. "I would put him under constant surveillance, for his own good and for ours."
