Conspiracy Theorists Continue To Demand To See Obama's Death Certificate
Despite the pleas of Republican party leaders, some right-wing conspiracy theorists continue to insist that President Obama can not legally be Commander-In-Chief of the U.S., because he is dead -- and has been since 1961.
Army Officer Stefan Cook, who was recently un-deployed after refusing to "take orders from a god damned walking corpse", says that signs that Obama is actually a member of the undead are now "impossible to ignore".
"Look, even the most idiotic individuals among us can understand that Obama was indeed born in 1961 in Hawaii -- his birth certificate proves that," said Cook. "Nobody is here to argue anything fishy about his birth. What we're suggesting is far more sinister and believable: that he died of Hawaii Island Voodoo Disease (HIV-D) shortly after being born, and has roamed the Earth as a zombie ever since."
Cook says Obama's attempts at healthcare reform betray his undead nature, proving that he is merely attempting to get his various zombie ailments covered by a subsidized government plan.
"Private insurers would never cover symptoms of being a zombie -- it's a pre-existing condition. Only through an expensive public plan that doesn't need to truly compete in the free market can Obama get the expensive anti-rigor mortis cream that he needs to stay mobile."
Believers in the theory also cite several pieces of smaller evidence to support their claims, such as Obama's peeling, rotting skin and persistent need to feed on human flesh.
"Of course, they clean a lot of that stuff up for the cameras," Cook said dismissively, "but you can just tell that behind all the special effects lie the eyes of a dead man."
Although the theory has gained some traction online, where people don't have to hear themselves speak out loud and realize how insane they may or may not be sounding, Republican leaders are pleading with conspiracists to drop their charges.
"Our supporters may think they're helping us by suggesting that a young charismatic President with high favorability ratings is an undead human flesh-eater, but it may surprise them to learn that they're actually not," explained House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Boehner suggested that believers in the theory save up their money, then run ads during the next election season that insinuate that Obama could be a zombie -- one who wants to raise their taxes.
Polls show that only about 15% of Americans believe that Obama counts himself among the walking dead; however, 20% say he may have at least one parent of an extraterrestrial origin. 60% believe that they themselves are zombies.
Regardless of what party leaders and polls say, Cook and his peers insist that Obama's death certificate must be released, at which point he would be recalled as President and submit to having his head removed violently with a chainsaw, as is dictated in the Constitution.
"At that point, we'd welcome our new President, Joe Biden!" Cook beamed.
He paused for a moment, and said, "Oh. Um. Wait."
