Obama Appoints Spider-Man As Secretary of Defense
In a surprising reversal, President-Elect Barack Obama announced today that the current Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates, will not remain in the position, despite previous indications to the contrary. Instead, famed superhero and nerd Spider-Man has been nominated for the job.
Obama and Spider-Man first met during a collaboration in the recently-published Spider-Man Issue #583, where the two appear together on the comic's cover. During that time, Obama explained, he realized that Spider-Man has extensive knowledge of foreign policy, military strategy, and diplomatic relations.
"I've always been a big fan of his, but it only just recently dawned on me that Spider-Man's upstanding moral code and reasonably good hygiene make him a perfect fit for Secretary of Defense," Obama said.
The announcement was greeted with applause from the media in attendance, with the exception of newspaper mogul J. Jonah Jameson.
"This so-called President is a menace," seethed Jameson afterward the announcement. "I'll see to it that he's exposed as the menace he is!"
Some analysts also reacted negatively to the news.
"This is absolute political wheeling and dealing at its worst," said conservative commentator Sean Hannity on his daily radio show. "Spider-Man isn't even real. He's a comic book character. And now that this 'president' has been on the cover of a comic book, I think it's safe to ask: is Barack Hussein Obama real? The answer is no."
Many Democrats, however, see the nomination as a positive, such as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who expressed hope that Spider-Man will be able to "physically lift the United States out of its recession by using his web shooting things".
"I cast my vote with my President," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) confidently. "Let Spiro Manfred lead, whoever he is."
Indeed, Spider-Man's actual identity remains a mystery, although it's well-known that in the Spider-Man movies, and the comic book series that is based on those movies, Spider-Man's alter ego is Peter Parker, a mild-mannered photographer. Some have suggested that if there is a single person in the United States named Peter Parker, he would have to be the real Spider-Man.
Obama, however, is discouraging people from investigating Spider-Man's identity too carefully.
"Being Secretary of Defense is a dangerous job, so it's useful to have a secret identity to protect your family and loved ones from evil dictators who might want to do them harm," he said. "Robert Gates actually considered entering office as 'The Gatekeeper', a superhero who has the power of three club bouncers combined."
At the time of the announcement, the Legion of Doom, which consists of Osama bin Laden, Captain Cold, and other nefarious characters, released a brief statement that they would "continue to try to stop" Spider-Man, but that they also "stand with President Obama" and "have faith in his choices."
