Area Man Brutally Slain By Cigarettes
Area man Jerhimia Janesko was killed Saturday when he was brutally beaten by a pack of cigarettes wielding baseball bats and tire irons. As a result of the beatings, he shortly developed lung cancer and died at the age of 72.
According to police reports, the cigarettes, reportedly of Marlborough or Camel descent, were listening to rap music in front of Janesko's house at about 12 AM. Awakened by the noise, an irate Janesko went outside to plead with the cigarettes to turn their bass down, a request that was outright refused. A verbal exchange between the two parties ensured, with Janesko using ethnic slang such as "butts", "fags", and "cancer sticks". Subsequently, the cigarettes "lost it", lashing out at the defenseless Janesko.
Friends of the cigarettes demonstrate disbelief at the crime.
"The cigarettes were generally fun-loving dudes," recalls Philip Morris, longtime friend and advocator of the cigarettes. "I can't remember the last time I saw them angry...the old man must've really gotten them lit."
The cigarettes are currently at large, and are being pursued by the police. However, Montgomery County Police Chief Max Steele feels that they will be brought in quickly.
"It would be in their best interests if they just turned themselves in. There are a lot of people in this community that would like to see them burn for what they did, and I can't promise them any protection while they are on the lamb."
The beating has caused a public outcry against all tobacco products, including cigars, cigarillos, pipe tobacco, snuff, and dip. Protesters are lined outside of tobacconist shops urging people not to socialize with these products, picketing with signs such as "When Cigarettes Kill People, That's Not Kool", and "God Hates Fags".
"The 'God Hates Fags' banner serves a dual purpose," states local Reverend Harry Knowles. "It preaches that even though the Bible preaches love and forgiveness, God will not stand for the violence of the cigarettes, while simultaneously getting the sinfulness of homosexuals across. It's like killing two birds with one stone, even though no God-loving individual would kill a bird. Unless the bird was gay, or a cigarette."
Long-time friend of Janesko and checkers adversary Benjamin Blakely mourns the loss of his companion, and readies himself for retribution against the cigarettes.
"They may be in hiding now, but the police will smoke them out sooner or later, and when that happens, I'll be waiting for them...with a gun!"
