Teen Ponders How Soon After Grandma's Funeral Is Proper To Masturbate Again
While asking the right people or waiting around long enough is usually enough to learn most lessons, some unwritten rules of life still go unspoken. Local teen Gabe Tipton has struggled to find, to no avail, any evidence of conventional wisdom or proper decorum regarding the accepted length of time that should be given after a grandmother's funeral to return to one's typical masturbating schedule.
"At the time of the funeral," said Tipton, "I swore to quit doing it [jerking off] for an indefinite amount of time out of respect for my Nanna. Later that day, my goal proved to be unrealistic, but no way will I jump right back in to my once-a-weekday-and-twice-on-Saturday habit. So what's the proper show of respect? A few days? A week? Two, God forbid?"
Tipton, whose grandmother Teresa O'Connor was buried on Saturday, has been personally celibate since recommitting to his vow after the aforementioned post-funeral slip-up, which occurred due to glimpsing a woman in her bra on a Lifetime channel movie. As of press time on Sunday night, the day following the funeral, he was under obvious duress.
"Oh man," he said at one point, staring at our male reporter's slightly feminine ass. "How did teenage Jesus handle this?"
Finding the answer neither in books, pamphlets, the internet, nor movies he's seen, the teen can only continue to ask the hard question of "when has Grammy been dead long enough to rub one off?", a query that has troubled youths for centuries, according to some experts.
"What Gabe Tipton is experiencing is much like the lesson that most young children learn when they ask 'Mommy, where do babies come from', or, 'Daddy, where do the marks on Mommy's face come from?'" said psychologist and sex columnist Jana Parker. "He's old enough to know that asking such a direct question is just as improper as going home after the wake and having a bishop-beating marathon, and the confusion he feels now is by no means uncommon to people his age."
Parker said that, just like every teen, this issue is something that Tipton will have to go through as part of growing up. The first return to a consistent beat-off regimen can be harrowing for some, but like most rights-of-passage, it's something that every teen has to experience on their way to adulthood.
Still, the experience is frustrating for Tipton, who says that no amount of suggestion, short of asking it outright, has lead to an appropriate resolution, and has instead elicited only wishes of well-being and solace. Out of conventional places to find such wisdom, Tipton has resorted to surreptitiously asking around in the hopes that the answer is more common than he suspects.
"Discovering 'How long should I wait to call a girl after I get her number' is just as easy as putting on the movie 'Swingers'," complained Tipton, "but this question of mine requires a lot more undercover work, because no matter how many people you tell that Grandma died, all you get is 'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that,' when all I want to hear, 'Gee, Gabe, you'd better wait at least a week to choke the old chicken.'"
While the answers to these unwritten questions of life are self-revelatory in time, Tipton struggles in the present with the details of his current quandary, with no end in sight.
"Grandma was a wonderful woman and I'm going to miss her," said the bereaved pubescent, "but I think she'd understand if I just can't wait any longer and I break soon, which would make my dry spell about 24 hours tonight. That's a long time, and I think she'd appreciate the effort."
Tipton added that he began to wonder if his Nanna, up in heaven observing him, would be proud, but then said he hastily cast the thought out of his mind after realizing "all the creepy roads" it could lead down.
As of press time, Tipton had relaxed significantly, and says he may post a narrative of his experience on his blog to let others in the same boat know that they are not alone.
