'Dog Bible' Contains No Mention Of Canine Jesus
Despite being titled "The Original Dog Bible", a recent book by author and presumed mystical prophet Kristin Mehus-Roe contains what critics call a laundry list of omissions crucial to the Caninianity religion, including no mention of Canine Jesus -- believed by followers to be the savior of any breed that chooses to accept His love -- anywhere within its pages.
"To call your book the Dog Bible and then not talk about the very center of what dogs believe in is disturbing, to say the least," said Dr. Sniffers, professor of Caninian Religious Studies at MIT. "It'd be like making a book called the Refrigerator Bible and not mentioning Freezus."
The "Good" Book, which was first published last year but has been garnering controversy and awareness ever since, also says nothing of Dog Moses urinating on a burning bush, Pit Bull Satan, and many other mainstays of the religion.
Instead, the Dog Bible advises people on how to best pick a dog breed and care for it, content that confuses many consumers who expect something more profound after reading the title.
"I buy this book for my theologian brother-in-law, and it turns out to be a pet guide?" said California resident Jean Sorton incredulously. "What an insult. Next time, Kristin Mehus-Fraud, name your book something more appropriate, like 'The Picking Out A Dog Bible'."
"I don't mean to take the Dog Lord's name in vain here, but Son of a Bitch!" snapped Darren Kramer of Arkansas. "The woman who wrote this should be a little more respectful and tolerant of other people's viewpoints, and try to restrain the urge to put out insulting books that just try and capitalize on their faith."
Worse still, the Dog Bible could unnecessarily incite a holy war, since chief rival religion, Felinam, does not currently have an equivalent book.
"Those imperialist dogs are trying to rub it in our faces, just because we don't have a Cat Bible," said one Felinamist, not believing that the Dog Bible doesn't even contain religious content. "Throw me a freaking bone here."
"God damnit, it's starting already!" he shouted a moment later in frustration.
Author Kristin Mehus-Roe has issued a statement in her defense, claiming that it was only her intention to instruct people who don't know how to work the Internet or visit pet stores how to properly purchase a dog that is right for them, not insult any religion.
"To be honest, I wasn't aware of any religion or Dog Jesus," she said. "Frankly the whole idea sounds a little ridiculous to me, and I can't really see how anyone could write an entire work based on that concept alone."
But contrary to Mehus-Roe's awareness, Caninianity is a very real and ancient religion, although there are several rival splinter factions in modern times split over multiple issues, including whether or not mixed breeding is acceptable, the morality of canine contraception such as spaying and neutering, and how long it is okay for a dog to clean its genitalia before it becomes sinful.
