Committing Suicide: What Can YOU Do?
The Supreme Court began hearing arguments on whether or not citizens of Oregon should be allowed to have their doctors give them help killing themselves. Although it is certainly a hard case deciding whether or not a private citizen has the right to use the healthcare that they pay for to help end their life, the Supreme Court will do its best. In the mean time, if you'd like to commit suicide but don't want to break any laws doing so, check out some of our tips!
- Explain to boss that you'd love to come in Sunday
Your boss, realizing that you would never make such an offer, will assume you have been taken over by alien hosts, and will shoot you. Note: if your boss accepts and encourages you to come in, kill him -- he has probably been taken over by alien hosts.
- Watch VH1
This will not actually physically kill you, but will cause you to be brain dead, effectively ending your life as you know it. Bonus: your vegetative state may cause a national fervor!
- Convince friends to get in on the fun
By throwing a Suicide Party with your favorite pals, you can not only get plenty of help with your demise, but start a trend, too! Caution: only invite close friends -- you can't risk a secret enemy coming and not killing you the whole way.
- Travel back in time and kill own father
If you were never born, you won't need to kill yourself. Caution: beware common traps of time travel, such as being tempted to gamble, or your mother's attempts to have sex with you.
- Encourage death penalty for assisted suicide
If the punishment for attempting to get help with suicide is death, it all works out in the end. Bonus tip: throw in a double homicide to sweeten the deal.
- Realize that the government is right after all
Come on, there's all kinds of things to stay alive for! You can pay your taxes, for example, or watch in helplessness as the Supreme Court makes decisions you don't agree with.
- Use suicide desire as pick-up line
Women are turned on by danger, and there's not much more thrilling than a man strolling up to a woman in a bar and saying, "Hey, I really want to kill myself, you in?" With a little luck, you'll be in her pants and off of this mortal coil before the night is over. Note for women: do not help this man. It's against the law.
- Make succcessful career out of complaining about life
Suicidal tendancies are all the rage these days -- with a little makeup and some bad poetry, you can turn that angsty frown into money in almost no time, whether it's through a shitty band or a column on the Internet. Note: you must not actually be depressed or want to commit suicide.
- Masturbate repeatedly until you perish
This is scientifically the best way to die.
- Kill self
Face it -- you're terrible at committing suicide, and you always will be. Your only option is to take your own life.
